Saturday, May 26, 2012

Self Therapy

Today was an exhausting day. Sure, I'm currently single with no kids, no responsibility, and no obligations, but I do attempt to live a life. To each their own I say.  So anyway, I attended a wedding of a close friend.  Yes, I know it sounds silly to claim exhaustion of having to attend a wedding, but it wasn't strictly that which made me tired.  I guess I should preface this with a brief bio.

I never thought I'd publicly say these following things, but I figured it's time I am honest with myself.  I deal with depression and anxiety.  Yes, I'm not the only person who does. No, I don't want your pity. I'm just making a statement. It's an explanation for the processes of my mind, and it is a fuel to power the words I put on this page. I first began noticing it in High School, and over the last decade have attempted to 'solve' my issues.  I can tell you that I have yet to find any permanent solution.  A myriad of medications to potentially 'fix' the shortcomings of my body chemistry.  Attempts of therapy with professionals. Conversations with select friends and family.  Self-help through endless efforts of research.  There isn't a cure to depression and anxiety, but one could say there are ways to help dealing with it.  Recently, I've decided that enough was enough. The time to 'man up' has arrived.  I'm done hiding my emotions, my thoughts, and anything else about myself.  Thus, this blog was finally created.  So let's jump back to where I left off, as I try to defend my complaint of exhaustion...

I always find myself in an endless pool of thoughts, usually self reflecting or attempting to find the answers to life(coincidentally, today was Towel Day, and the answer to life is apparently 42, but I digress). The wedding I was attending happened to be a few hours from home, therefore offering an opportunity to drive alone and ponder things.  With help from some music, which I seem to always let influence my emotions, I found myself thinking about my 'health' situation.  I've been struggling recently to find motivation to actually do things. And it's not always things that I don't want to do that lacks any motivation, but things that are optional and would be something most people would jump at the opportunity to do(fuck you depression).  It's not that I don't want to do these things, I just find myself not wanting to exert the effort to do them. You following? Good.  So there I am driving along to an event that promotes happiness and good feelings, and I am feeling miserable, hopeless, and dejected.

I talked to myself(out loud) "What's wrong with you? You know you need to beat this. You know you need to fight this. You should be ashamed you haven't tried harder to do this.  You are completely capable of doing anything you put your mind to, but you'd rather wallow in despair."   I was completely right, and finally decided to listen to myself.  The only person who can 'fix' me!  So begins my journey to find out what my life is intended for. No more fear of failure, no more doubting. Only doing.

This blog is a result of my self revelation. I decided that it would be good to write, as it would be an outlet and empower myself.  Success breeds more success(I might have made that up, but it sounds damned good). Do I think it will definitely produce a profound result? No, but I won't object to anything that crops up from these writings.

Sidenote:Writing this post is very important in my opinion. It establishes, to myself and others, that there is a driving force behind the blog.  I do not intend to write in this light all of the time. It just so happens that this particular post has this particular theme.  Fear not, I plan on writing in many contexts. Comedy, intellectual, fictional, political, factual, etc.  That IS a guarantee.  I want this blog to entertain,but with the effect of making the reader think. We shall see if I'm able to find that balance on a regular basis.

1 comment:

  1. I totally get the exhaustion part! I didn't realize that was a part of anxiety until my therapist told me a few weeks ago. I get tired before I'm even tired and I never understood why! Also explains why I just don't feel like myself half of the time when I'm supposed to be having fun! :) Too busy worrying about stuff!